Now what?

What am I supposed to do now that everything's said and done? Now that everyone has moved on to bigger and better things? Do I move on too? Am I supposed to make everything change at the snap of my fingers? Do I make everything disappear? Do I sit here and do nothing? Should I feel ashamed? Lost? Stupid? Immature? Embarrassed? How do I erase all these things that I look back on and feel so digusted at myself? Everyone tells me it's okay, but it's not okay! It's not okay with me! But it has to be, doesn't it? No one's going to stay behind with me, stay in the past and help me move on. They shouldn't have to! I need to be my own burden, not someone else's! I have to do it all myself. Right?I've got all these questions and no one can answer them but me and God. It's no one's fault but my own, I know that. But what do I do? How can I keep all these thoughts in my head? How can I move on with no one to help me? Why is this so hard? Why am I here, asking all these questions?It's all my fault. That's my only excuse, and I'm going to have to stick to it. I shouldn't be so selfish as to put all of this on the people I love. They don't deserve the consequences for the things I've done and the stupid, selfish mistakes I've made! No one deserves that but me! No one should have to go through that but the person who created the problem. Me.

Fascinating.

I wrote this after I read Jeremiah 23. It's supposed to be a song, but I don't have a tune in there anywhere. Alot of the words and phrases I got straight out of the chapter, so I thought it was pretty...fascinating.

You feed me poison, and I feed you on my dreams.
The nightmares that corrupt my broken mind, and all the things I left behind.Y
ou're making up everything you say, you don't speak for me.
You stubborn kid and your desires, no worries, no worries.
Do you hear what I'm saying? Do you care enough to listen?
Burst out like a storm until you've finished what you've planned,
In the days to come you'll understand.
If you'd stood before me and heard me speak my own words,
Am I only close at hand? Yet I'm far, far away and that's the price you'll have to pay for me.
Is there a difference between straw and grain? Do my words not burn like fire?
Does my voice not smash you to pieces as you crumble to the floor?
Your imaginary dreams and all these flagrant lies just lead me to my fall.

Woot? Hah. Look up Jeremiah 23 and see what I got from it! That guy's poetic, man. XD

Have some hope!

Life sucks. We all know that. We've all experienced something that just makes you wanna quit life and want to give up. We get hurt, we get let down, we make mistakes, we have misunderstandings, and we mess up. But, all of us take out our emotions in different ways. Some beat themselves up when they screw up, some of us take it out on the people we love, and some people even blame the bad things on God. All the things that we go through happen for a reason. We may not know the reasons right away, or we may not ever know them, but God knows. He makes everything happen for a certain reason, and in the Bible he promises that something good will always come out of the bad. He also promises that he will never ever give us something we can't handle. No matter how bad something is, how long it take you to get over it, how bad you're hurt, you're gonna get through it because God has planned it that way. He puts us through all these bad things to teach us lessons so we know next time it happens, and that's what a lot of people don't understand. People say "If God loves us so much, why does he let so much bad happen? If he's the God everyone says he is, why is he doing this to me?" He's doing it because he wants you to come to him for help so he can tell you how to handle it and make you stronger. He's doing it because he loves you. I wanted to write this for people who feel lost, alone, and hopeless. If you're someone like that, I just want you to know that the pain isn't going to last, and that God will make it better. You always have me and Jesus, and you'll never be alone. God is always going to be with you when you fail, when you mess up, and when you're hurting. So, whether you just broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, your parents just got a divorce, someone close to you died, you got your heart broken, you don't have a good home life, you don't have anyone to turn to, anything; you're going to be okay. I promise, and so does God. "Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Empty.

I stood in the pouring rain, looking down the dark and empty street. My mind was blank and my body was shivering as every inch of me got heavier by the second. I couldn't hear anything but the rain falling, I couldn't think about anything, and I couldn't feel anything but the weight on my heart. I felt lost, like I had no will, or reason, to live. Like everything I had ever known had been stolen from me, like an old lady's handbag torn from her arm by a thief. Except my thief was nothing of the sort...in fact, he was everything. He was everything I'd ever wanted and more. He had been what gave me reason, what gave me strength to stand up and be the person I wasn't any longer. He fulfilled me. And as crazy as it sounds, I still loved him. Even though he had been with me for so long and been my fortress in the crossfire. Even though he had held my face in his hands and said to me that he did not love me. Even though he had taken all that had ever meant anything to me and thrown it in the back of his car and in the back of his mind, only to drive away and leave me standing here in the rain, dying. I still loved him...every single inch of him. It doesn't matter what he's done to me, or what he hasn't done. I loved him. But what was I to do? A girl with shattered hopes and dreams and all the love in my heart in the palm of someone's hand, not being used, standing clueless in the pouring rain? Who did I have to fall back on, to catch whatever was left of me and not letting me fall into this dark hole of despair that grew closer every minute? I wouldn't do anything. I was just a mere shell, nothing left inside to do anything with. Even still, after he had left me, I would always be waiting with open arms. Nothing would change that. I loved him so much...and would never stop. No matter how much it hurt me. At that moment, my thoughts were interrupted by the slop of my cold and lifeless body on the watery pavement. I didn't feel it; I wouldn't have know I had fallen if I hadn't seen the jar in my vision as the empty street disappeared. Was I dead? Had I my knees given out on me? I didn't know. So, I laid there, staring up to the starry blue sky, and cried. I no longer existed, it felt. I was gone.

Forever.

I stopped and stared at a bumble bee pollenating on a flower by the lunch room window. It was buzzing around it like it would never see another flower so beautiful again, like that was it's last chance to ever find such sweet pollen. The flower was blank. It sat there as the crazed bee zoomed and buzzed anxiously over the flower, gaining every last bit of it's sugary pollen...and finally, with one last hesitant look, the bee slowing and uncertainly buzzed away. The sudden bump on my shoulder almost made me fall into the window. Lunch was over. The scuffs of chairs and the chatter of teenagers filled my ears as I refocused on where I was. Get to physics, get to physics. I stared at my feet as I made my way through the crowd of people and up the back stairwell so I could avoid the traffic. I did not wait for him, and he did not wait for me. It was like we were two different people when we had at one time been a single being. We were just like each other and we knew more about the other than we knew about ourselves. He was my other half and I thought I was his. It was hard to believe that only one small thing had turned all of the good into bad in less than 24 hours. All these thoughts in my mind were making me panic inside and out. I had to contain myself before we faced each other again, if we did, and the silent walk to physics would hold me over. Step by step, his name rang throughout my ears and made my heart beat that much faster. I ended up in a hallway where classes were already in session and no one was around to see me falling apart. Good, more time. I thought about what to do next as I focused on remembering how to put one foot in front of the other. What was I supposed to say? How could I fix this? Were we still friends? Would we still talk? Was he still the same guy I fell in love with? Wait...no. I stopped in my tracks and surveyed what I had just said. I was in love with him? No...no no no no no. I had not fallen in love with him...as much as people thought they could prove it, I would not let myself believe that I was in love with him. Quite frankly, I didn't care if it really was true. I would not let myself believe it. My walking started again as I kept correcting the voice in my head. My eyes stayed to my feet and I didn't want to look up. There was no way I would risk seeing him again, not right now. At the first sight of him, I knew I would immediately fall apart. But...I had to. I had to keep my head high. I was not going to let him defeat me. With my courage in check for the moment and my heart on the line, I glanced up from my ripped shoes and immediately saw that electric blue that had been haunting me. He was walking towards me, but did not acknowledge my presence. Never was he as excited to see me as I was excited to see him, that was a given from the beginning. Although he seemed to be looking at me, I knew he wasn't. He was so distant that I don't think he could have seen anything, even if someone held it less than an inch in front of his handsome face. Nervousness immediately seeped through my veins and throughout my body, making my fingertips tingle and my face blood red. All my senses but my emotions and my slowly blurring vision from the tears forming in my eyes were gone. Nothing could be heard but the throbbing of my heart in my chest and his footsteps slowly making their way closer to me. My mind was buzzing hysterically and there was no way I could control myself. The panic was coming, I could feel it...I felt like I was going to be conquered by it that very second, like it was going to make my knees give out and my heart stop beating completely. Was he going to talk to me? What was about to happen? Should I smile? Should I speak? Should I move? We were getting closer and closer with each second, and I could feel the blood leave my face. I felt like a ghost floating toward him. But even though all my senses were distorted my his mere presence, I knew the pain would double the minute he made contact with me. I didn't know what I wanted; did I want him to embrace me? Did I want him to see through my ghost and pull me out of this trance he had me in? Or did I want him to disappear so I didn't have to feel this way? We were almost a yard away now, and I looked back down at my feet again. I couldn't do this...I didn't have the strength. Taking a deep and defeated breath, I lifted my head up again, and had to hold onto the wall to keep myself from collapsing. He was gone. Shocked and lost, my heart completely skipped a beat. Forcing myself off the wall, I started walking again and sped up my footsteps like I had to catch him...like he was running from me. Was all of that just my imagination? Was he really there? I couldn't take in the fact that in that small yard between us, he had disappeared in thin air. Yet, the faster I walked and the more corners I turned, I could not find him. He was really gone...and I wasn't getting him back. With one last look at the empty corridor, I fainted.

Three Wishes. :)

I wish to be brave, to stand up to all my fears so I won't have to fear my future.I can reach out and touch the things I'm afraid of and stand on my own two feet again.I wish to be courageous in all that I do so I can conquer all my weaknesses without hesitation.I want to spread my wings and not be scared of falling or stumbling again.I wish to be strong and not fall short, to resist all the weapons they throw at me.I want to stay in control when I'm being fought against and not let my guard down too soon again.I always feel so weak and overpowered and it's discouraging to a point, buit I wish to never have to feel that way, and to feel that I'm important again.Well, what the heck, just make me Superman.

Why I Will Not Get Out Of Bed.

The memories of yesterday keep me tucked deep inside, and your words still ring in my ears. It's over. It's over.
I want to jump out and run to you, but I know the cold will overwhelm me.
Your words keep my body still. It's over. It's over.
My vision blurs around the edges as tears form in my eyes.
This can't possibly be our fate...it's over. It's over.
These covers won't shield me from the outside, but we cling to each other anyways.
It's over. It's over.
The day that all these things are behind us will be the day that I arise.
But as much as I want things back to how they were, all I can do is lay here and cry.
It's over. It's over.